But I Don't Deserve It
I'm writing this from a bus - a tour bus - with all the bells and whistles. I'm cold; the AC is blasting. I'm comfortable; the seating is clean and well-cushioned. I'm content; the kitchenette is stocked with snacks and drinks, and the seats are filled with incredible musicians and crew members.
How is this my life? I can't wrap my mind around it all.
I just keep thinking about two years ago, when I was on a very different bus (school bus), in a very different place (developing country).
The contrast of the experiences feels strange and overwhelming. I feel guilty for being on a tour bus - I don't deserve this.
A few years ago, my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. "I would love a keyboard," I said, in a slightly joking manner, never dreaming I'd get one. I told myself it was too expensive of a gift to actually ask for. Christmas morning came, and I walked downstairs to discover a beautiful keyboard with my name on it.
A joyful excitement rushed through me, but was quickly overshadowed by feelings of guilt. I don't deserve this, I thought. Why would my parents spend this much on a gift for me? We can't afford it. I should have asked for something more practical.
Rather than enjoying the gift of a job that I love, I felt guilty for leaving a position that involved more "suffering." And rather than enjoying the gift and being grateful to my parents for their kindness towards me, I sat in the living room, feeling unworthy and undeserving of such a gift.
This kind of thinking permeates through in my daily life.
Some days it feels like I'm not worthy of the good gifts God gives me. Like I don't deserve the life I'm living. I feel guilt for enjoying the kindness and favor He shows me. To an extent, this is true. We've not done anything in our own strength to earn God's favor or blessings. However, there's a problem when this thinking discounts God's love for me.
The reality is, He is the Father who withholds no good thing, who gives good gifts to His children. He delights in causing us to delight in Him. And slowly, I'm learning to rest in that delight.
Some days lately, it feels like the sky was painted especially for me. Each golden-lined cloud whispers, “I love you.” Every layer of pink and purple, fluffy cotton-candy clouds echo the sweetness of His care for me. My Father knows the things that make my heart sing, big or small. And He delights in my delight of Him – whether I think I deserve to or not.
