When Memories Haunt You

I’m really curious what causes certain memories to come to our minds at certain times. Sometimes, it makes sense, like when you smell an apple pie and immediately think of baking one with your grandma when you were little. Sometimes, though, memories seem to barge in - out of nowhere - with no regard for the other things that you need to focus on in that moment.

Today I pulled up to a place I’m very familiar with. The place where I (used to) go for my carb fix (I miss gluten). Where I spend hours reading, writing, and studying. Where I meet with a handful of girls weekly for small group. Where I go if I just need to get out of the house for a bit. I think you get the picture - I come here a lot. But today as I pulled up, my heart raced, my breath was short. It was like I saw a ghost. It was an eerie experience as an old memory flooded my mind. Emotions rushed over me. I wasn’t just remembering, it was like I was reliving it all in a 30 second span. Why now? Why not last Thursday or one of the other 112 times I’ve been here?

I’m sitting inside now, looking out at the empty outdoor seating area being flooded by rain, remembering sitting out there on a warm winter afternoon, feeling much different than I do today. I was filled with such joy and hope - as one of my favorite people asked me a question I thought really could mark the beginning of the rest of my life. I'm sitting here, now, missing what could’ve been and longing for what will be. Thinking through the what-ifs and why-nots, questioning my decisions, asking God why He let things happen the way they did. Fighting against my anxiety to remember the hope I have in Christ.

You see, life doesn’t look like what I thought it would when I sat out in the sunshine on this patio over three years ago. Heck, it doesn’t look like I thought it would a few months ago. To be honest, life right now looks nothing like I ever thought it would. Ten years ago (and even 3+ years ago on that patio), I thought I'd be married by now, maybe with a baby on the way. Five years ago, I thought I'd be an established teacher by now. Two years ago, I thought I'd be settled into long term life in Honduras by now.

Yet here I am - and none of those things I thought I'd be "by now" are realities.

And that’s okay. In fact, it's more than okay - it is good. Because how much better and grander, how much sweeter and more joy-filled, and how much more steady and certain is the purpose of the Lord than the plans I make for myself!

We serve a God who is sovereign over all the things we feel like don’t make sense, a God who is in the business of redeeming what’s broken and restoring what’s been lost, a God who allows us to be part of a story bigger than our own - a story of Love that heals all wounds and brings us out of darkness and into His marvelous light.

So, when memories haunt you, when your anxiety makes you question your decisions, when life doesn't look the way you think it should or hoped it would - I'm begging you (as I also remind myself) to turn to Jesus. He is big enough to handle our messy minds and fickle feelings and gentle enough to calm our anxious hearts. He's kind enough to walk with us in our seasons of doubt. And He's powerful enough to turn the most painful parts of our stories into the most beautiful displays of His glory. Don't let your memories leave you haunted - let them be a tool the Lord uses to grow you and mold you into the person He desires you to be.